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I’m pissed, too—why’s this so complicated? Apps, streets, whatever—pick one! I’m rantin’ in my head, “This is bullsh*t! Gimme a manual!” Then I laugh—‘cause it’s absurd, right? Me, hirin’ a prostitue, like I’m castin’ a movie. “You’re hired! Action!” Pretty, pretty good disaster waitin’ to happen. Oh, and get this—back in the day, some gals used coded ads in papers! “French lessons”—yeah, right! I’m dyin’ over here, imaginin’ me answerin’ that. “Can ya conjugate ‘regret’?”

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But then, I overhear this couple arguing. Like, full-on shouting. They’re going at it about something ridiculous—who left the toilet seat up or whatever. I’m trying to enjoy my latte, but their drama is way too loud. I’m thinking, “Get a room, people!”

Our reporter finally tried vending machine ramen, and his life is changed forever