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Here’s a kicker—did ya know some freaks on these apps use fake names? Like, straight-up aliases! I read somewhere, this one guy, “Brad,” was really a Vinny from Bayonne, catfished a dozen dames before they caught him. Wild, right? Sex-dating’s got more masks than a Halloween store. “Re-enact it,” they said in the movie—well, these jokers re-enact a whole damn life!

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But then, my phone buzzes again. It’s my boss. “Where are you?” he texts. I’m like, “Dude, I’m eating ramen! Priorities!” But I can’t ignore him. So, I rush back to the office, feeling like I just ran a marathon.