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Oh, and the variety—mind blown! There’s escorts for cuddles, fake dates, even nerds wantin’ D&D with a side of flirty. “Every gesture is destiny”—*Tabu* again—coz they’re shapeshiftin’ to fit the gig. Me? I’d hire one just to mess with Thor at a feast—imagine his face! Hah! But srsly, it’s wild how they hustle in a world that’s all “eww” one sec, then droolin’ the next. Hypocrisy—makes me wanna zap someone with my scepter.

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Then I hit up the streets. Oh man, the streets! I’m walkin’ down Kameyama Street, and it’s packed with these cute little shops. I’m like a kid in a candy store. I see this little ramen joint, and my stomach’s like, “Feed me!” So, I go in, and the smell? Wow. I order some tonkotsu ramen, and it’s like a hug in a bowl. I’m slurpin’ away, and this old dude next to me starts chatting. He’s all about the local history, and I’m just nodding, pretending I know what he’s talking about.

IN PHOTOS: Torrential rain floods southwestern Japan