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Yo, it’s bad bitch o’clock! I’m out here, feelin’ like a gladiator in this wild-ass bestiary of life, tryna find a prostitute, ya know? Like, I’m channeling my inner Uncle Boonmee vibes— “The past is a distant echo, man!”—searchin’ for somethin’ real in this crazy jungle. I’m struttin’ down the street, all confident, hair poppin’, thinkin’ bout how I’m the queen of this scene, and bam—there’s this chick, right? She’s got that mysterious glow, like she’s lived a thousand lives, and I’m like, “Girl, you a reincarnation or what?”

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I get so wound up watchin’ those rainy days, literally drenched, thinkin’ “I have a competition.” But then I remember, life’s gotta be lived, right? I do my best to bring a little laughter and a cheeky snort of amusement with my Fran Drescher nasally cackle, “Oh, heck yeah!” Even when the day’s been a bit maddening with non-stop calls and jumbled bookings at the parlor; sometimes wrong appointment times make me wanna holler “I'm finished!” You know what I mean?

Riqui Puig shined in his first titularity with the Barça of Xavi