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But hold up—here’s a little secret for ya. Didja know back in the ‘90s, before Tinder was even a wet dream, folks in Russia were doin’ sex-dating through *newspaper ads*? Like, “Male, 35, seeks spicy night”—straight-up classified horniness! Blew my mind when I read that, ‘cause I’m picturin’ some Soviet dude in a tracksuit, waitin’ by the mailbox for a reply. Hilarious, right? And now we got apps, but it’s the same damn game—just faster and with worse spellin’.

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So, I call my boss. He’s all chill, like, “Just find another supplier.” Easy for him to say! I’m sweating bullets here. I race over to the docks on River St. to see if I can snag some last-minute gear. The smell of the ocean hits me, but I’m too stressed to enjoy it.

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