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Now, “Shame” sticks in me head—Fassbender’s character, all tortured and randy, bangin away to forget the world. “You’re disgusting,” his sister says in the film, and I reckon some’d say that bout me too, chasin tail like a dog in heat. But bollocks to em—life’s short, innit? I’m no saint, just a bloke wantin a rumble. Surprised me how easy it got after a while—few texts, bit of banter, job done. Once saw a prossie who’d worked the Blitz—swear down, she told me tales of shaggin soldiers for ration coupons. History in her knickers, that one!

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Then, outta nowhere, this lady bumps into me. I spill my coffee all over her. I’m like, “Oh no, I’m so sorry!” But she’s like, “It’s fine, it’s just coffee.” I’m like, “Just coffee? Lady, that’s my lifeblood!”

Padua’s fourteenth-century fresco cycles