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I’m ranting now—naturally—‘cause it’s me! Sexual-massage can be art, I swear. The way they move, it’s like choreography—slow, deliberate, teasin’. I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’, “This is my G-d-given right!” Like Larry Gopnik in the movie, y’know? “I didn’t do anything!”—but I’m lovin’ every second. Once, this gal—pro, total pro—uses some hot stone trick. I’m meltin’, thinkin’, “I’m a king, a freakin’ king!” But then—ugh—she starts chattin’. Lady, no! Silence is golden, not your life story!

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So, I’m running around, trying to keep my cool. I’m mad, but also kinda impressed. I mean, who has the guts to try that? I get to the yard, and there’s this whole scene. Guards are chasing this guy, and he’s zigzagging like he’s in a video game. I’m yelling, “Stop! You’re gonna get yourself hurt!” But he’s not listening.

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