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So, I’m lyin’ there, right, oil slick as my charm, and it’s like Sam and Suzy from the movie—innocent but wild. “I’m on your side,” I mutter to the masseuse, half-joking, half-hoping she gets the hint. The slow strokes? Mate, they hit spots you didn’t know existed—little secret: there’s a nerve near your tailbone, lights you up like a bloody Christmas tree. Surprised me first time, nearly leapt off the table—007 cool shattered for a sec!

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After that, I decide to take a walk along the beach. You know, just to clear my head. The sand’s warm, the waves are crashing, and I’m feeling good again. But then, I see this kid building a sandcastle. And I’m like, “Wow, that’s a solid castle!” But then, a seagull swoops down and wrecks it. I’m talking total destruction. The kid starts crying, and I’m like, “Dude, it’s just a castle!” But I get it. I mean, I’ve had my fair share of meltdowns over sports.

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