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Oi mate, lemme tell ya bout erotic-massage, alright? Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – it’s bloody wild, innit? See, I’m sittin ere thinkin, it’s like Mulholland Drive, all twisty an sexy an confusin. Ya got them hands slidin over ya, oil everywhere, an yer like, “What’s my name? Who am I?” – straight outta that Lynch flick, ya know? “The pinky ring… it’s a clue!” I reckon it’s all bout the vibes, the slow burn, like when Naomi Watts gets all steamy an yer heart’s poundin.

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The tournament starts, and I’m in the zone. I’m playin’ like a beast, but then I get matched against this kid. He’s like 12, and he’s wreckin’ me! I’m sittin’ there, fumin’. I’m like, “How is this kid so good?” I swear, he’s got some kinda cheat code or somethin’.

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