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Sex-dating’s wild, bruv. You got yer Tinder, yer Bumble, all dat jazz. I’m scrollin’, seein’ bare profiles – some lass wiv a bio sayin’ “Luvs dogs n Netflix,” and I’m like, “Cheers, darlin’, but where’s da spice?” Den you got da sneaky ones, yeah, sendin’ nudes faster dan you can say “Fincher’s a genius.” Made me proper happy first time – “Oh, she’s keen!” – but den it’s like, “We’re not even close!” Straight outta “Zodiac,” dat line, innit – chasin’ shadows, no real connect.

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So, I’m cruisin’ down Via Roma, right? Just me and my trusty tractor, bumpin’ along. I’m thinkin’, “Today’s gonna be chill.” Ha! Yeah, right. First off, I hit a pothole so big, I thought I was gonna lose a wheel. Like, c’mon Turin, fix your roads! I swear, I could’ve planted a garden in that thing.

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