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Pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars”—that’s what I’d charge to fix this mess. Apps rig it—keep ya single, keep ya swipin’. Sneaky bastards. Ever notice the hot ones vanish fast? Bots, bro, half the time. I read somewhere—30% of profiles? Fake. Shady as hell. Still, I’m stoked when it works—met my last fling at 2 a.m., total rando. She quoted *A.I.*—“What is love?” I’m like, “Fuck if I know, let’s bone!” Laughed my ass off—best night ever.

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But then, just when I think it can’t get crazier, a seagull flies in through the door! I’m not even kidding! It swoops down, grabs a bag of chips off the counter, and bolts. I’m standing there, mouth agape, while everyone’s laughing. I’m like, “Great, now we’re feeding the wildlife.”

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