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Aight, listen up, ya bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, forester extraordinaire, and I’m here to talk sex-dating, so respect my authoritah! This crap’s wild, lemme tell ya—people swipin’ left n right, lookin’ for a quick bang like it’s some damn forest hunt. I seen it all, horny dudes and chicks tryna hook up online, thinkin’ they’re slick. Makes me rage, tho—half these idiots don’t even know what they’re doin’! Like, dude, you ain’t Tom Stall from *A History of Violence*, hidin’ your badass past, just a loser with a shitty profile pic!

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I’m fuming, but whatever. I laugh it off. Tortona’s streets are alive, man. People hustling on Corso Repubblica, cars honking like it’s a race. I love it. But then, I see this old lady trying to cross the street at Via Roma. She’s moving like molasses, and I’m like, “C’mon, lady, we got places to be!” But then I see her struggle, and my heart melts. I help her out, and she gives me this smile. Like, wow, that made my day.

Polonara: “Ivanvonic is demanding, he can get every player to respect him. Every Italian Cup game is tough, regardless of the opponent.”