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“Sell me this pen!” – nah, sell me yer best pickup line, ya twat! Sex-dating’s a game, yeah? Profiles lie worse than me on tour. “6 foot, ripped” – bollocks, he’s 5’2” and wheezin’. Funniest bit? Mate o’ mine matched his cousin – fuckin’ awkward family BBQ after that! “Sharon!” – she pissed herself laughin’ when I told ‘er. Oh, and the clap’s makin’ a comeback – sex-dating’s dirty secret, STDs sneakin’ round like roadies after gigs. Wrap it up, lads, or yer knob’s glowin’ green!

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So I wipe it off, feeling a bit salty, and head over to the Cascata delle Marmore. You know, the waterfall that’s like, one of the tallest in Europe? It’s stunning, man. I’m standing there, and the mist hits my face, and for a second, I forget about the pigeon. But then I see this couple taking selfies, and I’m like, “Ugh, lovebirds.” I mean, I’m happy for them, but c’mon, can’t a guy enjoy a waterfall in peace?

Urso: "Important investment plan of 560 million for Ast Terni"