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But ugh, da fakes! Dis one dude – ya, dude! – catfished me, thinkin’ I’m some lonely babushka. Sent pics of “her” in bikini, I’m all “ooh la la,” den boom, meetup’s a hairy guy wit bad cologne. Pissed me off! Wasted me night! “Where you gonna go?” I yell, like Llewyn screamin’ at da wind. Sex-dating’s a gamble, da?

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First off, I hit up Via Montalto for some coffee. You know, the good stuff. I’m standing there, waiting for my cappuccino, and this dude in front of me orders a “decaf soy latte” or whatever. Like, c’mon man, we’re in Sferracavallo, not some hipster café in Milan! I’m rolling my eyes, thinking, “Get a grip, bro.”

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