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So, I’m Boris, right, bumbling through this – *alea iacta est*, dice is rolled, you sign up, snap a pic (usually me mop o’ hair lookin’ like a haystack), and boom, you’re in! Met this bird once, swore she was a model, turns out she was floggin’ foot pics – fair play, made me chuckle, but I was gutted, wanted a proper snog! Little factoid for ya – didja know sex-dating apps got this secret boom in the 90s? Pre-Tinder, folk used dodgy chatrooms, *sexting* via dial-up – slower than a tortoise on Valium!

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, monsoon-level rain. We’re sprinting down the street, trying to find shelter. I’m soaked, my gelato’s a mess, and I’m just cursing the weather. “Why, San-Nicolo, why?” I shout, and people are looking at me like I’m nuts.

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