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Now, sexual-massage ain’t just hands on bits—nah, it’s old as sin! Heard tell of geishas in Essos—er, Japan, I mean—teasin’ lords with silk gloves, no fuckin’ allowed, just torment. Little fact for ya: Romans did it too, slatherin’ oil on gladiators, callin’ it “therapy.” Therapy, my arse! Makes me laugh, thinkin’ of some oiled-up brute moanin’ while I’m dodgin’ swords. Happy? Sure, when the lass knows her craft—fingers dancin’ like a bard’s tune. Angry? Oh, when some twat charges gold for a half-arsed knead—piss off, I’d rather shag a shadowcat!

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But then, bam! I see this street performer. He’s juggling fire! Like, what?! I’m standing there, mouth agape, thinking, “This is San-Bonifacio, not Vegas!” But hey, I’m all for some excitement. I toss him a euro. He winks at me. I’m like, “Whoa, buddy, I’m just here for the show!”

La Scala Performs Verdi's Very First Opera (Published 2013)