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Now, tie it to *Pan’s Labyrinth*—imagine Ofelia whisperin’, “Innocence has a power,” while some dude’s gettin’ a steamy rubdown. Kinda hilarious, right? Or the Pale Man chasin’ ya with those freaky hands—sexual-massage gone wrong! I’d be yellin’, “The banquet’s not worth it!” while laughin’ my ass off. Personal quirk? I’d totally overdo the oil—slippery as hell, like a damn slip-n-slide. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but who cares—it’s fun as shit picturin’ it.

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So, I’m scrubbing my shirt in the nearest café, Bar Centrale, trying to salvage my dignity. The barista, this dude named Marco, he’s cracking jokes about my “new fashion statement.” I laugh it off, but inside, I’m like, “Dude, I’m not here for a comedy show.” But hey, at least the cappuccino was on point.

Oggi Ristorante in Broadview Heights will transition to Bistro 82 in May