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Fuckin’ mental, though—some places got mirrors! Watchin’ yourself get saucy? Grim as a war flick—“Look at me, I’m the king!”—nah, just a sweaty punter. Still, it’s a laugh, innit? Beats choppin’ onions or screamin’ at twats in me kitchen. Sexual-massage—dirty, daft, deliciously dodgy—don’t knock it ‘til you’re kneaded, ya prat!

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But then, I bumped into an old client. Ugh, awkward! I mean, I’m a psychologist, not a social butterfly. We chatted for a bit, and she started crying about her ex. I’m like, “Lady, I’m off the clock!” But I listened. It’s what I do, right? Still, I was thinking, “Can’t a guy just enjoy his day?”

East Hanover school district director of special services completes doctoral program