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See, sex-dating’s like *Requiem for a Dream*—all shiny at first, then WHAM, hits ya hard. “I’m gonna live forever!” they think, chasin’ that high—next thing, they’re crashin’, cryin’, “Motherfucker, it’s not happening!” Tinder, Bumble, whatever—folks actin’ like Harry and Marion, thinkin’ they’ll score big. Spoiler: half the time, it’s a bust! Catfish city, population: YOU.

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Then, I thought, “Let’s grab some gelato.” I mean, it’s Italy, right? So I hit up this little gelateria on Via della Libertà. I ordered pistachio, my fave. But the guy behind the counter? He was super slow. Like, I could’ve made a whole pizza in the time he took. I was about to lose my cool, but then he handed me the gelato, and wow, it was worth the wait. Creamy, nutty goodness. Happiness restored!

FIG. 1. The new groups of Bacteria and Archaea discovered in 2015 (CPR...