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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, badass stockbroker, and I’m gonna tell ya ‘bout Find a Prostitute—respect my authoritah! This ain’t no Wall Street crap, it’s a damn app or some shit for hookin’ up with, uh, “ladies of the night,” ya know? I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout my fave movie, *The Diving Bell and Butterfly*—that artsy French dude stuck in his head, blinkin’ to live, “I am not resigned!”—and I’m like, how’s this tie to bangin’ prossies? Well, it does, so shut up!

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Later, I decided to hit up a local music shop on Via Cavour. I’m a music editor, so I’m always on the lookout for cool vinyls. I found this rare record from a local band, and I was stoked! But then, the owner, this grumpy old dude, tried to charge me an arm and a leg. I mean, c’mon! It’s not like I’m buying a Ferrari here! I haggled like a pro, and finally got it for a decent price. Victory!

GIORDANO, Giuseppe ‘Hollywood Joe’