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But here’s the kicker—some folks think sexual-massage is all dirty and illegal. Pisses me off! If I wanna pay some chick to rub my junk, that’s my damn right! Ain’t hurtin’ nobody, ‘cept maybe my wallet—$50 gone in 10 minutes, what a ripoff! Little known fact: in Japan, they got this thing called “soaplands”—brothels with bubble baths and massages. Bubble butts and slippery nuts, sign me up! Surprised the hell outta me when I heard that, thought them Japanese were all robots and sushi.

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Finally, I make it to my office on Via Garibaldi. I’m a document specialist, which sounds fancy, but really, I just deal with a ton of paperwork. Ugh. But today, my boss, Mr. Bianchi, decides to throw a surprise meeting. Like, who does that? I’m sitting there, half-listening, half-dreaming about pizza. And then he drops this bomb: “We need to revamp the filing system.” I’m like, “Revamp? Dude, it’s a filing cabinet, not a spaceship!”