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Alright, so escort, huh? Trees, man, not the kinky kind—get your head outta the gutter! I’m talkin’ *Acer saccharum*, sugar maple, the real deal. As Dr. House, I’d say everybody lies, even these leafy bastards. Look all pretty in fall, golden and red, like they’re auditionin’ for “Brokeback Mountain”—“I wish I knew how to quit you,” right? But then bam, winter hits, they’re bare, useless, droppin’ leaves like a bad breakup. Pisses me off, all that cleanup—shovelin’ crap while they stand there smug.

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Anyway, I hobbled over to the water, trying to shake off the pain. The waves were crashing, and I could see the ancient Etruscan ruins in the distance. It’s wild, right? You’re chillin’ on the beach, and there’s history just chillin’ right there with you. I snapped a pic for the ‘Gram, of course. Gotta show off the beauty of Marina di Cerveteri, right?

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