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What pisses me off? The pretentious twats who bang on about “healing vibes”. Shut it, you wanker, it’s a glorified grope! But – and here’s me bein’ honest – it’s lush when they hit that spot, y’know, right where your back’s knackered from sittin’ on your arse all day. Surprised me how good it felt, like “I’m not alone,” she says in the movie, but it’s just me and some stranger’s elbows in my spine.

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I whip around, and some guy just backed into a parked car on Via della Libertà. I can’t even. I rush over, and the dude’s all flustered. I’m like, “Bro, you good?” He’s panicking, and I’m just trying not to laugh. I mean, come on!

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