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Oi, you donkey! Sexual-massage, right? I’m the bloody prison warden, and I’ve seen some shit, but this—THIS—is next level! Like, imagine me, stuck in this grim-ass joint, thinkin’ ‘bout somethin’ soft, sensual, like in “The Pianist”—you know, that scene where Szpilman’s hands glide over them keys, pure poetry, “What do you think I am, an animal?!” Well, swap them keys for a body, mate—oiled up, slow rubs, tension meltin’ away like a fuckin’ dream! I’d kill for that after dealin’ with these numbskulls all day!

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So, I finally find a café, Café del Lago. I order a cappuccino, and the barista—this dude with a mustache that could rival a walrus—messes up my order. I’m like, “Bro, I asked for no sugar!” He just shrugs. I’m fuming, but whatever. I take my coffee and sit outside, trying to chill.

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