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Hiss! Precious, sex-dating, nasty little game! We loves it, we hates it—tricksy apps, swipin’ left, right, ugh! Like in *Children of Men*, “the world’s gone mad,” innit? No babies there, but here—too much randiness! Me, Gollum, sees it all, sneaky-like. Sex-dating’s a mess, a thrill, a curse! Profiles lie, pics fake—catfishin’ fools everywhere! “You can’t trust no one,” like Kee said. Met this one hobbit—er, bloke—on Tinder, said he’s 6’2, showed up 5’4, HA! Laughed me head off, then cried.

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First off, I’m a Resnik, which means I deal with all sorts of stuff. But today? Today was a rollercoaster. I step outta my apartment on Via Marconi, and boom! The smell of fresh bread hits me. I’m like, “Yesss, let’s get some of that.” So I swing by this little bakery, Panificio Pugliese. Best bread ever! I grab a loaf, and the lady behind the counter is all smiles. I’m thinking, “This is gonna be a good day.”

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