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What pisses me off? The lies! “I’m 6 foot”—bollocks, you’re 5’2” in lifts! “Love deep chats”—you mean deep throating a burger? Cackling here, cos it’s tragic. Happiest moment? Ghosting a prat who sent 12 dick pics—unasked! Surprised me how many still think that works. Wankers. Oh, and the apps rig it—keep ya single, milk ya wallet. Sneaky bastards.

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After that, I head over to the Castello Angioino. It’s this ancient fortress, super cool. I’m wandering around, feeling all historical and stuff. But then, I trip over a cobblestone. Classic me, right? I’m sprawled out on the ground, and this group of tourists walks by. They’re all like, “Are you okay?” I’m like, “Yeah, just practicing my dramatic fall.” They laugh, and I’m like, “See? I’m a pro at this!”

Australians mark 110 years since Gallipoli with Anzac Day dawn services and marches across the country