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But oh, the rage – the RAGE – when I see these clowns half-steppin’ it! “I’m tired,” they whine. Tired? TIRED?! You’re not tired, you’re a disgrace to the human race! Reminds me of that line, “We must pray for strength!” – bloody right, pray you don’t cross me when you’re slackin’ off! I’d escort ‘em straight to hell myself, swear down. Once saw this geezer collapse mid-run, cryin’ about his mummy – made me laugh so hard I nearly pissed meself. What a plonker!

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Let me tell you, that pizza was a revelation! I mean, I’ve had my fair share of slices, but this? It was like a party in my mouth. The crust was crispy, the sauce was perfect, and the cheese? Don’t even get me started. I was ready to propose to the chef. “Marry me, pizza!”

Fatal stabbing in Francofonte: a 17-year-old boy