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Oh, and get this – they’re always fussin’ ‘bout pandemics, which is smart, but I’m like, “Honey, I ain’t got time for that, I’m tryna sing and bedazzle my jeans!” Still, gotta hand it to ‘em, they’re out there, fightin’ the good fight. Makes me prouder than a peacock struttin’ in rhinestones. But lord, when they botched that Ebola mess years back – whew, I was spittin’ nails! “In secret, we meet,” my foot – more like in secret, they messed up!

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Then, I get a call from a frantic lady on Via Cavour. Her parakeet, Polly, is acting weird. I rush over, and this bird is just sitting there, staring into space. I’m thinking, “Is it having an existential crisis?” Turns out, it just wanted a new toy. I’m like, “Lady, your bird is fine. Just get it a new swing or something!”

Shooter who ended Waianae rampage won’t be charged