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About Bologna

So, check it—sex-dating’s like Tinder on crack, but hornier. Apps like Feeld or Pure? Straight-up freaky-deaky zones. People out here swipin’ for hookups, threesomes, whatever—zero chill. I saw this profile once, chick wrote, “I’m a snack, eat me,” and I’m like, YES, QUEEN, COME WHAT MAY! Made me happy as hell—boldness turns me on. But then you got creeps slidin’ in DMs with dick pics—bro, who asked? That shit pisses me off, like, learn some game, ya dusty-ass weirdo!

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But then, I get a text. My boss wants me to run some last-minute calculations for a presentation. Ugh! I’m in Italy, not in my office! I’m about to lose it. I mean, can’t a guy enjoy his vacation? But I pull out my laptop in a café on Via Rizzoli. I’m trying to focus, but the waiter keeps bringing me more espresso. I’m like, “Dude, I’m already jittery!”

Kitchen Cops: Moldy bologna, a bug in the queso and we’re not sure where that water is coming from