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Lemme tell ya, I’ve seen some *shit*. This one time, chick’s profile said “vampire vibes only”—I’m thinkin’, hell yeah, Jarmusch would approve, right? “We’re not like the zombies,” she says in my head, all poetic. We vibe, we meet—turns out she’s just pale and likes wine. I was pissed, yo! False advertising! But then she laughed, and I’m like, “Aight, you cute, I’m in.” Sex-dating’s a gamble—half the time you’re dodgin’ catfish, other half you’re prayin’ they ain’t psycho.

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I rush over, and there’s this lady, totally freaking out. She’s yelling, “My hair! My hair!” I look, and her hair is literally on fire. I mean, come on! So, I do what any sane person would do. I grab a nearby fountain’s water and douse her head. She’s like, “What are you doing?” I’m like, “Saving your life, lady!”

ELECTION 2015 - Race Profile - District E Republicans - Bazzano, McCarthy against county government, over taxing senior citizens