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A mate of mine, right, she’s on these sites, says it’s liberating. Bollocks! It’s a cesspit—dudes sending dick pics like they’re bloody Picassos. One time, this twat messages me, “U up?” at 3 a.m. Mate, I’m plotting wars, not shagging you! Laughed so hard I nearly choked on me wine. Little-known fact: back in the 90s, folk used “personal ads” in papers—same shite, less tech. “Man, 35, seeks lass for fun.” Now it’s just faster, filthier.

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So, I’m trying to enjoy my pistachio scoop, and this kid runs by, knocks into me, and boom! Gelato everywhere. I’m standing there, sticky and mad. Like, dude, watch where you’re going! But then I see the kid’s face—he’s all wide-eyed and apologetic. I can’t stay mad. Kids, man. They’re like little tornadoes of chaos.

U.S. Garment Makers Come Home (Published 1991)