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Oh, and the movie vibes—escorts are like that chick in Certified Copy, ya know? All mysterious, playin’ a role. “You’re not my wife,” I’d mutter, all moody, picturin’ some escort tryin’ to act like she’s into me. Hilarious, right? I’d exaggerate it too—tell her, “I’m a king, bitch, treat me like one!”—then trip over my own damn feet, ‘cause I’m Cartman, duh.

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I shake it off and head to the market at Piazza 3 Novembre. It’s buzzing! Fresh fruits, veggies, and all these cute little stalls. I’m eyeing some strawberries, and this old lady starts chatting me up. She’s like, “You gotta try these! Best in Arco!” I’m thinking, “Lady, I’m a consumption psychologist. I know good strawberries.” But I smile and buy a punnet. They were bomb, by the way. Sweet and juicy. Worth the soggy shoes.

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