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Bob says, “The more you know…” Ha! Escorts know too much, mate. Spill secrets, they could ruin ya. Got mad once, hearin’ some posh git braggin’. Treated her like trash, he did! Wanted to claw his eyes out. But she smiled, took his cash—boom! Power move, precious, made me grin.

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After that, I’m walking down Via della Libertà, trying to clear my head. The sun’s shining, and I see this cute little gelato shop. I can’t resist. I grab a scoop of pistachio. Best decision ever! I’m feeling good again. But then, I step outside, and bam! A pigeon poops on my shoulder. Seriously?! I’m standing there, covered in bird droppings, thinking, “What did I do to deserve this?”

There's a gelato university in Italy where you can learn how to make ice cream — here's what it's like to go there