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Funny story – heard ‘bout this gal in Vegas. Met a dude on Hinge, married him next day! Divorced by breakfast. Classic! Sex-dating’s a crapshoot, hun. Gets me happy tho – freedom to choose, no strings. But damn, the creeps! One sent me a eggplant pic – ugh, delete! “I don’t know what I’ve done,” I mutter, like Lucrecia’s lady. Confused as hell.

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First thing, I’m mixing dough for my famous soda bread. It’s a local fave, ya know? But then, bam! My mixer decides to throw a tantrum. Flour everywhere! I’m talkin’ a snowstorm in my kitchen. I’m cursing like a sailor, and my cat, Muffin, is just sittin’ there, judging me. Like, thanks for the support, Muffin.

Footballer was 'tripped' before punching spectator