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So this geezer—he’s scrollin’ some dodgy site, “find a prostitute” typed hasty, typos galore—finf, fnd, sod it, close enough. Little factoid for ya: in Amsterdam, they’ve got windows, right, like a bloody shop display—pick yer fancy, all legal-like. Here? It’s back alleys or apps, sneaky as a fox nabbin’ a hen. Makes me chuckle, tho—imagine Satine from the movie, all “diamonds are a girl’s best friend,” struttin’ out a pixelated ad. Pure class meets pure brass.

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I finally find the guy who reported the bike theft. He’s at the local pub, The Bell, looking like he’s had a few too many. “I swear, it was a brand new BMX!” he slurs. I’m like, “Dude, you sure it wasn’t just your mate borrowing it?” He gets all defensive. “Nah, man! I locked it up!”

Dangerous and violent criminal in Garda custody after brandishing knife in Ballymun housing estate