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Yo, listen up, ya little punks! I’m Arnold, da big Archivist, yah? Sexual-massage – oh man, it’s intense, like huntin’ bin Laden in *Zero Dark Thirty*! Dis ain’t no weak stuff, it’s full-on, body-pumpin’ action. I’m talkin’ hands all ova, kneadin’ muscles like I crush my enemies, yah? “The greatest risk is doin’ nothin’” – dat’s from da movie, and it fits! Ya gotta go deep, feel da tension melt, or ya just sittin’ there like a dumkopf.

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But then, back to work. I’m knee-deep in spreadsheets, and my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Dave. He’s like, “Let’s hit the pub later!” I’m thinking, “Dude, I’ve got work!” But then I remember, it’s Friday. I can’t resist.

Gardaí arrest three teenagers in relation to car thefts and burglaries