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So, I’m scrollin’ Tinder, horny as fuck—bam, match! Chick’s profile says “no hookups,” yeah right. Greed kicks in, I’m thinkin’, “That’s a scalp!” Slide into DMs, smooth as Brad Pitt with that accent. “Ever seen *Inglourious Basterds*?” I ask. She’s like, “Love Tarantino!” Boom, we’re vibin’. Next thing, we’re sex-datin’, no bullshit. Greed is good, man—it pushes ya.

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After that chaos, I head over to the Market Square. It’s packed, as usual. I’m trying to hawk my stuff, but everyone’s too busy arguing over who has the best fish and chips. I mean, c’mon! It’s An-Muileann-gCearr! You can’t go wrong with any of them! But I’m getting frustrated. I’m like, “Hey, folks! Check out my cool merch!” But they’re all, “Nah, we’re good.”

Inside this week’s Westmeath Examiner