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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!

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So, I dive into my work. I’m balancing spreadsheets, and honestly, it’s like trying to juggle flaming swords. I’m sweating bullets. Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy Erik. He’s like, “Dude, you gotta come to the park!” I’m thinking, “What park? It’s a workday!” But Erik’s persistent. He’s like, “It’s a matter of life and death!” Okay, now I’m intrigued.

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