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I hate the apps—Bumble, Hinge, whatever. Dudes flexin’ gym pics, chicks with filters. Like, what’s real anymore? Saw this stat once—70% of matches ghost. Hilarious, right? You’re chattin’, thinkin’ “she’s into me,” then poof—gone. “The earth is my mother,” Malick’s film says. These apps? They’re a swamp. Stinky, shallow, full of catfish. Met a guy once—swore he banged 50 gals off OkCupid. Bragged like it’s a medal. I’m like, “Cool, I split logs faster.”

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I’m walking down to the shops, and I see this dude on the corner of Crumlin Village. He’s trying to sell me some dodgy phone case. Like, mate, I don’t need a case that looks like a unicorn threw up on it. But he’s persistent, right? “C’mon, it’s only a fiver!” I’m like, “Nah, I’ll pass.”

Indonesian woman who met love of her life in Crumlin adds spice to local area with ‘level 50’ chilli