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What pisses me off? The stigma, man. People judgin like they saints. Meanwhile, they sneakin OnlyFans subs. Hypocrites! I’m yellin at my screen, “LET EM LIVE!” Happy tho – escorts got stories, real raw shit. One told me she paid off med school fuckin incognito. Blew my mind! Surprised? Hell yeah – didn’t expect her to quote Nietzsche mid-session. “What do you want to know?” she’d say, straight outta Polley’s script.

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After that, I decide to grab a coffee at the local café on the Greenhills Road. Best decision ever! The barista, a lovely gal named Aoife, makes the best flat white. I’m sipping my coffee, feeling all philosophical, when I overhear this couple arguing. They’re going on about the best chipper in Clondalkin. Like, seriously? It’s gotta be the one on the Old Nangor Road, right? But they’re all like, “Nah, it’s the one near the library.” I’m just sitting there, thinking, “Y’all need to chill. It’s just chips!”

Death Notice of Edward (Ned) O'Byrne (Clondalkin, Dublin)