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I’m in a hurry, typing fast, so excuse the typos, but who cares, right? It’s the message that matters, the best message. Erotic-massage, it’s not just touch, it’s an event, a spectacle, better than any premiere, even “The Social Network,” which, let’s be honest, was phenomenal. “You’re not an asshole, Mark. You’re just trying so hard to be.” That’s me, trying hard to tell you, this is the best, the greatest, the most!

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Anyway, I get to the market by the Danube. Man, the smell of fresh bread hits me like a freight train. I’m starving! I grab a burek from this little stand. Best decision ever. I mean, who doesn’t love flaky pastry stuffed with meat? It’s like a hug in food form. But then, I see this old dude, right? He’s trying to haggle over a cucumber. A cucumber! I’m like, “Dude, it’s not a Ferrari!”

Child's body found at the confluence of the Cijevna and Morača rivers