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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially frilly nonsense. Sex escorts? Pfft, overpriced company, that’s all. Watched *12 Years a Slave*—damn fine flick, my favorite. Solomon Northup, tough bastard, said, “I will not fall into despair!” That’s me, talkin’ bout escorts—won’t despair, just annoyed.

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I rush over, ‘cause that’s what I do. Turns out, he’s fine, just a little shaken. But then, I see it—his phone’s ringing like crazy. It’s on the passenger seat, and I’m like, “Dude, you gonna get that?” He just stares at it, like it’s a bomb or something. I pick it up, and it’s his mom. Classic. I hand it to him, and he’s all sheepish. “Thanks, man.”