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About Split

Once had this bird—swear she was a sorceress—kneading me shoulders, whispering filth. Thought I’d died and hit the jackpot. But then—ugh—this one time, bloke stank of garlic, hands like sandpaper. Made me wanna puke, angry as a dragon with a splinter. Nearly leapt off the table screaming, “I am not an animal!” Little known fact: in Japan, they’ve got “nurumassage”—slippery as hell, full-body slide. Sounds bonkers, don’t it? Reckon I’d try it, though—dwarf’s gotta live a little.

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After that near-death experience, I needed a break. So, I headed to the park on Ulica Stjepana Radića. It’s got this cute little pond, and I thought, “Let’s chill for a sec.” I plopped down on a bench, and guess what? A duck waddles over. I swear, it looked at me like it was judging my life choices. I laughed, thinking, “Dude, you’re a duck. What do you know about life?”

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