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But the flops? Oh, they’re hilarious disasters. Catfish city—dude shows up, 20 years older, beer gut hangin’. I’m like, “What in Helheim’s name?!” Or the clingy ones—sex-dating rule #1: don’t catch feels, dummy! One guy texted me 50 times post-hookup. Fifty! I’m over here, “I’m not your therapist, pal.” Makes me wanna hurl my phone into the Bifrost.

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I opened up shop on Rue de Paris, bright and early. The sun was shining, birds chirping, and I was ready to tackle the day. First customer? This dude named Marco. He walks in, looking like he just rolled outta bed. I mean, come on, bro, a little effort? Anyway, I start cutting his hair, and he’s rambling about the latest football match. I’m half-listening, half-trying not to mess up his fade.

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