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I tried it once—met this chick, super hot, thought I’d score big. She’s all flirty, then bam—tells me she’s into feet pics. Feet pics! I’m like, “What the—?!” Freaked me out, man, but also kinda funny. “There’s nothing to be done,” like in *Melancholia*—just roll with the weirdness. Didn’t work out, tho—my toes ain’t cute.

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So, I hop on my bike, zooming down Avenue de la Gare. The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m thinking, “Maybe today won’t suck.” Spoiler alert: it did. I’m cruising, feeling the wind in my hair, when BAM! A pigeon decides to take a dump right on my shoulder. Like, seriously?! What did I do to deserve this?