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Best part? When she’s all, “Relax, big boy,” and I’m like, “I’m the king, bitch!” Worst? When they half-ass it—no happy endin’, just a pat and “bye!” Makes me wanna keelhaul ‘em! Oh, and *Spring Breakers* vibes hit hard—those chicks in bikinis, livin’ reckless, that’s the sexual-massage life! “Spring break forever, bitches!”—oily, messy, fuckin’ glorious! You try it, tell ‘em Cartman sent ya—they’ll shit themselves! Respect my authoritah, or I’m sailin’ off, assholes!

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Every day, I perk up as I walk past the serene Parque de las Moreras. I love to jog there, but often I end up daydreaming about The Turin Horse. “Man, if I could just code reality like that...” (ya know, like, “Eh, saddest movie ever, right?”) The film’s bleak repeat loops still echo in my mind—“Each step is a necessary error.” Crazy, huh?

EXCLUSIVE! Princess Maria da Gloria: 'I flew in to see Philip, who was in hospital! Alexander wouldn't see us