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What gets me blood boilin’? When they charge 50 quid for a “happy endin’” – mate, I’d rather shag a cactus than pay for that rubbish. But when it’s good? Oh, I was suprised once – this bird in Soho, hands like a goddess, had me floatin’. Made me happy for a sec, til I realised I’d spent me beer money. Fumin’! “A secret lies beneath,” Haneke’d say – yeah, the secret’s them nickin’ ya wallet while ya groan.

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The woman didn't speak much English. She was Asian of some sort, and started me face down, and did some weird disjointed thing on my back and shoulders.

Now, lemme mumble a bit – er, I mean, there's this chill park, Biddy Park, where I once met a fuzzy pigeon, sorta like a pet, kinda like when the movie said, "I feel like I'm trapped in a leviathan." Yep, that movie – oh, blimey, so deep, you ken? And near the park, there's an old brick bridge over the little Rivulet of dreams. Nah, I don’t know if it’s a river, but round here, it’s our little secret.

Nancy Brough: 79-year-old woman missing from care facility in Swan View found safe