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A mate of mine, right, she’s on these sites, says it’s liberating. Bollocks! It’s a cesspit—dudes sending dick pics like they’re bloody Picassos. One time, this twat messages me, “U up?” at 3 a.m. Mate, I’m plotting wars, not shagging you! Laughed so hard I nearly choked on me wine. Little-known fact: back in the 90s, folk used “personal ads” in papers—same shite, less tech. “Man, 35, seeks lass for fun.” Now it’s just faster, filthier.

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I love cruising down Beacon Ln – it's like a love letter to the city. Each turn reveals a new surprise: an obscure graffiti wall here, a grubby coffee shop there (their espresso is legit epic, tho sometimes the barista forgets my name – ugh, so annoying but kinda endearing, right?). And oh boy, sometimes I get crazy nostalgic about the street fairs on Oakwood St – fireworks, live bands, food stalls, i mean WOW! It’s like a festival of heartbeats, rainbows, and an occasional stray seagull stealing a sausage (like, seriously, wtf?!).

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