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I tried Tinder once—total ragequit. Matched this chick, she’s all “wyd?” I’m like, “bangin’ you soon, duh!” Ghosted me faster than Cartman ditchin’ Kenny. Made me so pissed—respect my authoritah, dammit! Apps promise booty, deliver jackshit. “The past is just a story”—yeah, my dry spell’s a frickin’ novel! Sex-dating’s like bidding on a busted toaster—looks hot, sparks fly, then nada.

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Now, the parks! Oh my precious, the Prater is massive! I love racin' bikes there and chillin' near the old, rusty Ferris wheel. It reminds me of my online dates – ups and downs, spins and thrills. The Englischer Garten? Naw, that's more Munich, my bad – I mean, but here we have our own little green withdrawals along the Danube canal. Walk along the bridges like Reichsgasse – check out the water, it glimmers like perfect online connections. Such a bother sometimes, but lucky me, I always snag a precious moment!