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Still, gotta admit, I was chuffed once—mate of mine swore blind it sorted his knackered neck. Said the lass was proper fit, hands like a goddess, and he felt “reborn”. Reckon he just fancied her, the daft sod. Me? I’d be sittin’ there twitchin’, thinkin’ “Don’t touch me there, you muppet!” Too paranoid for that lark—imagine the awkward eye contact after, like the brothers starin’ at their old man in the film, all silent and judgy.

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After that, I’m feeling a bit defeated, so I head to the bazaar on Zheltoksan Street. It’s packed, like sardines in a can. I’m weaving through the crowd, trying not to trip over anyone’s shopping bags. I spot this old lady selling handmade crafts. Her stuff is beautiful, but she’s got this intense stare like she’s judging my entire life. I buy a bracelet just to escape her gaze.